What Dogs Have Taught Me
Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime.
And everything else.
I. Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat
certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of
staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is
eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third
of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified
by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you
would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least
fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important.
Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop
eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is
actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will
take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to
stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and
packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this
rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at
getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a
second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing
long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with:
complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time
to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The
best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The
most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully
clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a
light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling
loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them
whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they
lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know
is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in
your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to
know.
1) The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
2) The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once
inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you
are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
